


Intensive Care

by kethni



Category: Veep (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-10
Updated: 2017-12-10
Packaged: 2019-02-13 01:13:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12972456
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kethni/pseuds/kethni
Summary: ‘I also know that you’re a little wobbly on your feet and you’re not used to being alone. You might be more comfortable with someone else around.’She looked at him. ‘Picking me up if I fall down?’‘I’d have to,’ he said. ‘Otherwise I might trip over you.’‘Don’t be smart,’ she said, trying not to smile.‘I can’t help it. I was born this way.’





	Intensive Care

‘Do you have someone you can call?’

The voice was very distant. She didn’t know the woman speaking. She didn’t know why anyone would use that tone to her.

‘Do you have someone we can call for you?’

The brightest light wasn’t the moon, and it wasn’t the light spilling from the houses. It was from the ambulance. The sirens were off, but the lights were still flashing. It would have been eerie if it had been quiet.

Everyone was talking. The other car’s horn was jammed on, an endless discordant shriek. Her own car was groaning and creaking around her.

Then the sound of the tools ripping off the roof obliterated everything else.

‘Can you hear me? Are you with me? He’s on his way.’

Cool air struck her as she was lifted out of the air. There was a bite to it. The smell of ion.

A raindrop struck her hand. Another. A dozen more. A light rain that sounded like summer.

She screamed.

***

Light. Light. Light. Light.

They flashed overhead like a pulse. Then there were people looming over her.

Then there nothing.

Silence.

Stillness.

Time passed. She heard the beep of machinery. Saw the light change through the opposite widow. She began to hear movement. Footsteps. Voices.

Voice. She knew that voice.

Scent. She knew that scent.

Touch. She knew that touch.

‘Sue?

She woke up in pain, unable to move, squinting at the fierce light.

Someone was holding her hand. She knew the pattern of calluses on the long, straight fingers and square palm. So unlike Sean’s stubby, chubby digits with bitten nails.

‘Sue?’ Kent asked.

She felt his attention shift.

‘I think she’s awake.’

Annoying. Because now the medical staff were fussing all around. Shining lights. Poking. Prodding.

Kent kept hold of her hand.

After a while, too long, the movement all around her eased and the noise quietened. Kent rubbed his thumb across the back of her wrist. He moved into her line of sight. His other hand touched her face.

‘I’m here,’ he said.

She realised that she’d called his name.

He looked like hell. Bags under his eyes. Drawn, grey skin. Tight jaw.

He looked away at the sound of footsteps. Guilt suffused his expression and he let go of her hand.

‘Who’re you?’

Sean’s voice. It preceded Sean by a few seconds.

‘Kent Davison.’

‘What the fuck are you doing here?’

She saw Kent hold up his hands in surrender.

‘I’ll be on my way,’ Kent said.

‘Don’t go,’ someone said.

‘What is he doing here?’ Sean demanded.

‘Don’t go,’ someone asked.

She asked.

Kent looked at her. ‘I’ll come back tomorrow.’

‘You fucking –’

Sue closed her eyes.

***

She hadn’t thought about him in weeks. Months. She hadn’t. Why would she? Kent had been a brief dalliance, a passing fancy. He had been a mistake. Their breakup had been more painful, more distressing, more enduring than she had expected.

She hadn’t thought about him in months. It made no sense that she would have asked for him. It made no sense that she was missing the warmth and pressure of his touch. It wasn’t the same when Sean held her hand. He held too tightly. His body was tense.

When he looked her in the face, his expression was tight with fear and anger.

It was a relief when he left. A yawning ache of loneliness and despair when he left.

She drifted for a while. For hours. Until her mother poked her in the side. That was also a relief, and also a disappointment.

She remembered poking Kent in the ribs. They had been lay in bed, dozing lightly after sex. His body was too close. His leg across her thigh. His hand on her waist.

Kent didn’t rush off after sex. No claims about early mornings or meetings. He didn’t pull away when they’d been close. It wasn’t normal. It wasn’t comfortable.

So, she poked him.

She poked him once and he ignored it. Twice and he grunted. Three times and he pushed her hand away. Four times and he muttered "stop it." Five times, and he moved away.

She breathed more easily.

She only had to poke Sean once, and then hardly ever. Kent had sought her in his sleep. Sean sought his own space. Before they were married he rarely stayed the night.

She wondered sometimes why he had married her.

***

She hadn’t introduced Kent to her family. It wasn’t supposed to be serious. She wasn’t going to settle down with him. He was too old and too awkward socially. He didn’t know how to talk to people. He didn’t know how to have friends. He didn’t know how to be a lover. He was more like a puppy that had been left alone all day.

It was exhausting. His enthusiasm, need, and affection were exhausting.

***

He was holding her hand when she woke up. Sue looked across at him. He was reading. Good. Perhaps she made a sound. Perhaps moving her head was enough. Whatever it was that alerted him, he looked at her, and put the novel down.

‘Good morning,’ he said.

‘Hello,’ Sue said. Tried to say. There wasn’t any sound. All she was doing was moving the air around. She tried again. All she heard was a hiss of her breath. There was something in her mouth. Something in her throat.

‘You’re on a ventilator,’ Kent said. ‘You were unconscious for a while. They plan to change to a tracheotomy tube this week. You’ll be weaned off that in the next couple of weeks.’

‘How long?’

He was watching her mouth intently. ‘How long? How long were you unconscious? Six and a half weeks.’ His thumb stroked her fingers. ‘Things were bad for a while but you’re on the mend. You’re going to be okay.’

‘Don’t lie.’

He frowned. ‘Don’t... I can’t make out the second word.’

‘Lie. Don’t lie,’ she said.

‘Lie?’ He asked. He chuckled. ‘You woke up on the wrong side of the bed. I’m not lying.’ He tucked a lock of her hair behind her ear. ‘I was worried, Sue. I was... so worried. But you’re through the worst.’

‘I’m scared,’ she said.

He sighed and covered her hand with his. There were tubes and wires stuck into her skin at strange angles. They were held into place with tape and one in her wrist seemed to be stitched in. There were tiny, grubby patches of adhesive where the strips of tape had slipped. His grip avoided the wires easily enough that she knew he’d held her hand like that many times before.

‘I know,’ he said. ‘I was too. But you’re getting better. I promise.’

He didn’t have to say the words. She knew his expression, the look in his eyes, and the timbre of his voice. When he allowed himself to, Kent could be agonisingly sincere. When they dated, she had hated it. Now it cut through the clouds of sedation, pain, and fear. She was getting better. He said she was. That was a fact.

When he stood up to leave, panic twisted in her throat.

‘You don’t have to go!’

He was checking he hadn’t lost anything. He wasn’t looking at her. He didn’t know that she’d spoken.

‘They called me after the accident,’ he said. ‘Then again shortly before they intubated you. I understand you’re probably confused and perhaps distressed. Do you want me to return?’

Now he looked at her, and she saw he was chewing his cheek.

‘Yes. Yes.’

‘Sean saw me here the first time. He was... extremely unhappy.’ Kent shifted from foot to foot. ‘I don’t much blame him for that. I understand if you want me to stay away. Is that what you want?’

‘No!’

A hint of a smile twitched his moustache. ‘As you like.’ He leaned in to kiss her cheek, and she smelled his beard oil, deodorant, and soap. It was too early for his own scent to have reasserted itself. Too early for the scent of his skin to remind her of lazy afternoons on Sundays, curled up in bed and dozing.

‘I’ll see you tomorrow morning,’ Kent said. ‘Sean visits in the afternoons. It’s probably best I’m not here at the same time.’

‘Thank you.’

It surprised him, she saw it in his eyes. But he didn’t say anything. Instead, he gave her arm a small squeeze.

***

It took a couple of hours for a couple of nurses to consider sitting her up.

A couple more before they brought a television for her to watch.

That was something. Not enough. Sue didn’t deal well with boredom. Her mind was far too active to deal with spiralling nothingness. She was antsy to move. To get out of the bed and stretch. Lying unmoving seemed to leech all the energy from her. That was infuriating. Her in inability to communicate when she needed something was worse, it rasped across her nerves.

Sean visited in the afternoon, for about twenty minutes. He was distracted and uneasy, spending more time looking at the other patients, the staff, or the visitors. For the first few minutes he said nothing. Then the doctor had come over to update him, which was more than they had done for her. When the doctor came over, Sean grabbed Sue’s wrist and held it too tightly.

When he left, he kissed her forehead. The way you would kill an elderly relative or a child.

She fell asleep. She woke at irregular periods without meals or toilet breaks. Each day was much the same: a cycle of bed baths, brusque and impersonal attention from the nurses, the same programmes on the television, Sean’s brief, visits, and Kent’s much longer ones.

He brought a collection of short stories and asked if she’d like him to read them. She didn’t recognise the author, and she rarely liked fantasy as a genre, but she was bored, and it meant that Kent was talking instead of an uncertain silence, so she agreed. He would sit beside her, hold her hand, and read. She’d never properly listened to his voice before. It was quite light and there were times when she heard a hint of a different accent than his usual one. Times when there was a touch of something more guttural.

She cried when they changed her to a tracheotomy tube. She still couldn’t talk or eat, but they lowered her sedation and she could see a way forward.

***

‘Where did this come from?’ Sean asked.

He was waving around the neat, leather-bound notebook that Kent had brought for her to write in. Holding the pen was difficult, her hand shook and ached, and it could be difficult for him to make out what she’d written, but she persevered. It was worth it to communicate in actual sentences.

Sean flipped through the pages. She should have worried: what if there was something incriminating? What if he realised Kent had been visiting? All she felt was a freezing numbness that had nothing to do with the painkillers.

‘You don’t ever get to complain about my handwriting again,’ he said.

She watched him, so unhappy to be there, so unwilling to touch or comfort her, and she knew that he wished she’d died in the accident. Wished that she’d die now. Not because he hated her. Not because he was angry. Just because he couldn’t cope. Couldn’t cope with the stress and the uncertainty. He’d never been good at that. He was a man who craved routine and order. Now he was barely remembering to shave.

She had visited her father a dozen times when he was dying; each time she was more resentful of the shrinking, twisted imposter lying wheezing where her father should be. His skin had been dry and covered in silvery flakes. His lips were cracked. He smelled sour, as if his illness was leaking out through his pores.

Sue visited him a dozen times. Not enough in her mother’s judgement. Too many in Sue’s. She wanted to remember her father the way he had been. He needed to see her as she was. She knew that he was dying, and she was already consigning him to memory, while he tried desperately to hold on to the moment. She was trying to skip past grief entirely. It hadn’t worked.

Sean was staring at something she’d written. He put the notebook down.

‘You’re not going to die,’ he said through the emotion thickening his voice. She wished he wouldn’t. She hated people crying. Most of all she hated them crying over her. She had asked Kent if she was going to die last... week? Last month? The days blurred.

He hadn’t broken down. He’d taken a few breaths and said no. Then he explained, in great detail, everything he knew. Everything that had happened. Everything that was going to happen. No lies. No sugar coating. No tears.

Just respect. Just affection.

***

They took out her tracheotomy tube and covered the gaping hole with a dressing. They let her have a sip of water. It tasted like champagne.

Sean wasn’t there. He was visiting every two or three days now. But when Kent walked in and saw her free of the hated tube, his smile was wide and genuine.

‘I was getting used to the sound of my own voice,’ he said.

‘You always did like that.’ Her voice was scratchy and hoarse, but she heard it, and he heard it too.

‘If you’re going to talk like Lauren Bacall I may reconsider,’ she said.

‘Don’t try to charm me. You’re not charming.’

‘Shall I leave?’ he asked.

‘No!’ Sue coughed a little.

He poured a glass of water and helped her drink it.

‘I’m glad you’re here,’ she said quietly.

‘Me too.’ He sat down. ‘I should warn you, I believe several of the nurses think I’m your father.’

‘Not my secret lover?’

He shrugged. ‘Not much of a secret.’ He scratched his eyebrow. ‘But, yeah. Some of them think we’re having an affair.’

Sue sipped some more water. ‘I hope any man I were having an affair with would be more discreet.’

‘Really? I’d hope genuine affection was more important than discretion.’

Sue pulled a face. ‘Affairs are not built on genuine affection.’

Kent raised his eyebrows. ‘Had a lot them, have you?’

‘Shut up,’ Sue said.

His hand was resting on the side of the bed. Sue touched the back of it with her fingertips.

‘What’s happening with you?’ she asked.

‘You don’t care about that,’ he said.

‘I’m bored. Humour me.’

He thought about it. ‘We’ve started a consultancy, myself, Ben, and Dan.’

‘Why would you do that?’ she asked. ‘You hate Dan.’

‘Someone needs to deal with the media and do the selling,’ Kent said. ‘I’m not socially skilled and Ben doesn’t care enough to try.’

Sue pursed her lips. ‘That is a valid point.’

‘We’re doing quite well,’ Kent said. ‘Solvent. We have a dozen clients although Selina is taking up most of our time.’

‘Selina Meyer? Make her pay in advance,’ Sue said.

‘We did, six months in advance.’

Sue raised her eyebrows. ‘How?’

Kent shrugged. ‘It may have been pointed out that Ben had Catherine’s documentary and so that attempting to avoid paying us would be… problematic.’

Sue nodded. ‘How did Ben end up with it? I thought Gary took it.’

‘He did,’ Kent agreed. ‘Then Ben “liberated” it from his bag. Judging from the response I don’t think Gary ever told her it had gone missing.’

‘I’m glad you’re not working for Jonah,’ Sue said. ‘He didn’t deserve you and you looked so unhappy every time I saw you.’

It was too much. Too honest. She could see it on his face. Emotional outbursts from Selina were expected, from Amy surprising, and from Sue shocking.

‘It wasn’t the best working experience I’ve ever had,’ he said meekly.

Sue glanced away. ‘What made you and Ben quit?’

‘He fired us, separately. I still don’t know why he fired Ben. It came out of nowhere.’

Sue stared at him. ‘He had two former presidential staffers; a chief of staff and a top aide, and he fired you both in some sort of fit of pique?’

Kent nodded. ‘He fired me for beating him at basketball.’

‘Astonishing. That idiot is a congressman.’

Kent’s eyes were twinkling. ‘Actually, although he was initially up for re-election, he caused a government shutdown, his support plummeted, and was dumped from the ticket. His cousin was elected instead. However, Jonah is running for president.’

Sue was silent for several seconds. ‘Am I concussed? I understood every word, but the entirety was gibberish.’

‘You have a lot to catch up on,’ Kent said. ‘Almost all of it idiotic beyond belief.’

***

She had more visitors now: her sister, Amy, Candi, and even Catherine Meyer, who came in tow with both Marjorie, Richard Splett, and worst of all, a baby.

‘Amy told us that you were here,’ Richard said. ‘We’re here to visit the paediatrician.’

‘Visitors are important when you’re in hospital,’ Marjorie said. ‘They can aid in the maintenance of good mental health. It’s very important.’

‘Marjorie was in hospital for six weeks after she was injured on-duty,’ Catherine said. She had already twice attempted to show the baby to Sue. She had twice been rebuffed. ‘She’s incredibly brave.’

‘It was my duty.’

Catherine gazed at her. ‘She’s going to be an amazing mother to our children.’

Sue managed not to roll her eyes. ‘Are you on your way there now?’

‘We just finished,’ Marjorie said.

‘It took less time than we expected so we can spend the extra with you,’ Catherine said.

Sue pursed her lips. ‘Why?’

‘I don’t have many female friends,’ Marjorie said in her flat voice. ‘All the books say that it’s important for parents to maintain adult friendships.’  

‘This’ll be fun!’ Richard said. ‘I haven’t a good girly chat in ages.’

Perhaps she could lapse into a coma, or at least fake it. If Richard wasn’t there she’d try falling asleep. He was the sort of person who would insist on waking her up to continue the conversation.

Sue was _not_ A Baby Person. She had little affinity for children when she _was_ a child let alone as an adult. Obviously, some of them were necessary for the propagation of the species but there was really no need to obsess about them. It was also remarkably self-indulgent to imagine that anyone else would care about your children.

‘I was so worried about the shutdown carrying on,’ Catherine said. ‘If it went on long enough people would start taking their kids out of public school and getting our baby into a good school would be much more difficult.’

‘I heard about the shutdown,’ Sue said. ‘I believe Jonah Ryan was responsible.’

‘His group,’ Marjorie said. ‘It was irritating.’

‘I think he fell into bad company,’ Richard said, his nose wrinkling with distaste.

Sue pursed her lips. ‘I thought Kent and Ben were working for him.’

‘He means Jonah’s lover,’ Marjorie said.

Catherine leaned forward. ‘She’s awful. As soon as he was taken off the ticket she dumped him.’

‘Awful,’ Sue said. ‘But not entirely stupid.’ She looked carefully at Catherine. ‘How is your mother enjoying being a grandmother?’

They exchanged looks.

‘She only wants to use him as a prop,’ Catherine said in a tight voice.

‘Him/her,’ Marjorie said. ‘We’re not forcing gender constraints.’

Sue looked at Richard.

‘He’s a boy,’ Richard said, with a small smile. ‘Just like Mr Davison said he would be.’

‘What?’

‘We didn’t want to know the sex of our child before he/she was born.’ Marjorie said. ‘ln case we began to internalise gender stereotypes. Mr Davison took a look at Catherine and announced she was pregnant with a boy.’

‘I don’t know how he knew,’ Catherine said worriedly. ‘It wasn’t a guess. He _knew_.’

‘He wouldn’t guess,’ Marjorie agreed. ‘He operates an data.’

Sue folded her hands atop the bed. Fluid was draining through a wire in the back of her hand. She was fighting the urge to pull it out.

‘I didn’t know he had an interest in children,’ Sue said distastefully. She knew that he had nieces and nephews, but he didn’t speak about them much. In Sue’s experience he was more likely to speak about other people’s pets than their children.

‘Does he have any kids?’ Richard asked. ‘When he’s old enough we’re going to need to think about playdates.’

Sue had no answer. She couldn’t imagine Kent with a child or children. It was an image that challenged her perception of him as an essentially controlled, calm, and complete human being. It was almost as alien as thinking of him as anything other than a late-middle-aged man. Kent with a child was almost as surreal as the image of Kent _as_ a child. Sean was easy to picture. She’d seen photographs of him. More than that, she’d seen him pout when he hadn’t got his own way. There was a time when she had convinced herself that his boyishness was charming.

Richard was talking about Ben now. Certainly, Ben had young children, but not that young, and Sue suspected they would know far more bad language Catherine or Marjorie were prepared to deal with.

It was nonsense, of course. She knew that Kent was more than she allowed him to be. More than calm. More than controlled. He had frightened her. Not because he was aggressive, he wasn’t. Not because he was threatening, he certainly wasn’t. But because of the way he had looked at her as if he could go on looking at her forever. The way he needed more, offered more, than she could cope with. It had been too much, he had been too much, and she knew he didn’t understand why.

***

He’d had his hair cut differently. She wasn’t sure if she liked it. Kent’s left ear protruded slightly, and he generally wore his hair long enough to disguise it. Now he had the sides quite short and the top longer. He looked less like a professional academic and more like a roguish businessman. Or a rock star on his day off. She wasn’t quite taken with the change.

‘I’m sorry if I seem a little distracted,’ he said. ‘We got home late, so I didn’t get a full night’s sleep. I’m a little tired.’

‘Who?’ she asked.

‘I’m sorry?’

‘You said we.’ She managed a smile. ‘Were you on a date?’

‘My friend Julie,’ he said. ‘Haven’t I mentioned her before?’

‘No,’ Sue said. ‘You haven’t. Friend, or lady friend?’

She knew from the tiny flush in his cheeks. The flash of his tongue as he licked his lips. She didn’t need him to say it, but he did.

‘Lady friend.’

‘Oh.’

He didn’t offer any more details and she didn’t ask for any. Kent didn’t date very often. He had a ridiculous lack of confidence when it came to approaching women. He hadn’t even asked Sue out, just hovered around making awkward chitchat until she asked him. That hadn’t been his plan, he’d been genuinely surprised when she did. Happily surprised. Kent was one of those people where genetics had dumped all his personality points into intelligence, loyalty, and affection but none in charm or charisma. It wasn’t even that he was physically unappealing. He just had poor social skills, and an acute awareness of that.

Sue had considered setting him up with someone. There was something very irritating about good quality men pining and lonely while poor quality ones used a patina of charm to glide from one woman to the next.

She considered it, but she didn’t do it because... because she didn’t want too. That was all.

***

‘What’s the matter with you?’ Sean demanded.

‘I’m stuck in here,’ she said.

‘You’ve been her weeks. What’s with the shitty mood today?’ he asked.

Sue narrowed her eyes. ‘I’m stuck in here. I’m fed up of it.’

Sean got to his feet. ‘You think I’m having fun? It’s a two-hour round trip. I’m tired, I’m stressed, and I don’t need you giving me tone.’

‘I apologise for not being the perfect Stepford wife you wanted,’ she sneered.

‘You wanted to get married, not me!’

It dropped into the conversation like a tree across the train tracks.

Sean shuffled his feet. ‘Look...’

‘I see,’ Sue said icily.

‘I’m stressed. I didn’t mean it,’ he said.

She knew that he was lying.

Her mother had told her it would last five years. She sneered that Sue was rebounding. A ridiculous thing to say. Her mother had never met Kent. Sue had never motioned him to her mother.

‘I know you were seeing someone else,’ her mother said. ‘I could see his shadow, the times you hid him away, and I could hear all the times you talked around him. It was so passionate and intense, and it all ended up in flames. I suppose he went back to his wife.’

Sue slapped her. It was a weak gesture and hurt her hand. ‘He was _not_ married.’

Her mother slapped her, harder. ‘That’s for being such a goddamn fool, then.’

That was just before the wedding. They hadn’t spoken about it since then, but her mother had noticed the smell of Kent’s beard oil twice when she visited. She saw his handwriting in a novel that he lent Sue. Her mother saw, and made sure that Sue saw her see it, and she said nothing.

***

Sue slept badly. That wasn’t uncommon since the accident. Usually she slept badly because she was in pain, or because she was having bad dreams of screaming metal and flashing lights. That night, she slept badly because anxiety and sickening unease were churning in her stomach.

The nurse woke her at six to check her blood pressure and give her some meds. Between the noise of the hospital and the lights, going back to sleep was impossible. So, she sat, stewing in her anxiety and tiredness until Kent arrived at seven-thirty.

She heard his footsteps coming across the ward. The way his left heel caught the door was distinctive, as was the slight jingle of his keys in his pocket. Sue was poking at a tablet that Sean had reluctantly left with her. She didn’t look up at Kent’s approach, not even when she heard him hesitate.

‘Good morning,’ he said. ‘Do you want me to leave?’

She looked up quickly. ‘No. Sit down.’

He didn’t. ‘If you’re tired I can come back later.’

Sue folder her arms. ‘Why aren’t you sitting down?’

‘Because you deliberately ignored me arriving. If you don’t wish to talk to me then it would save discomfort all round if you just say so.’ His voice was tight. Not quite angry bit definitely not happy.

Sue shook her head. ‘I wasn’t –’

‘You were,’ he said. ‘I’m not an idiot, Sue. I know when someone is ignoring me.’

She forced herself to keep an even tone. ‘I’m sorry. Please sit down.’

She wondered if he was too irritated even to greet her properly, but he kissed her cheek. Mixed in with his familiar scent she caught hints of a woman’s perfume. Something floral but not heavy. A woman in her late forties at the most then.

‘Catherine tells me you ascertained the sex of her baby.’

‘You’ve spoken to Catherine?’

Sue shrugged. ‘They visited.’

Kent put his ankle up on his opposite knee. ‘Perhaps I misjudged her,’ he said. ‘I rather thought her equally as self-absorbed at her mother.’

‘You didn’t. She was here an hour and never asked how I was. Just talked about her stupid baby.’

Kent tilted his head and gazed at her. Sue looked away.

‘How are you?’ he asked gently.

‘Fine.’

He tapped his foot. ‘Are you in a terrible mood because of something I’ve done or am I just convenient for you to be rude to?’

Sue pressed her lips together. ‘I’m in hospital. I’m in pain. I’m irritated and agitated. I had an argument with Sean and now you... you...’

He sat beside her on the bed, and dried her face with a Kleenex.

‘Get off, you asshole,’ she muttered.

‘Are you sure you don’t want a hug?’ He sounded serious, not joking or being facetious at all.

Sue swallowed. ‘I would actually,’ she mumbled.

He felt a little tense, not entirely comfortable, as he put his arms around her. He was gentle, but she could feel his strength, the warmth of his skin, and the steady rise and fall of his chest.

She pressed her face into his shirt as she cried, so he couldn’t see it. Couldn’t see her shame and embarrassment. So that she couldn’t see his pity or his sympathy.

One of his hands rubbed her back in soothing, mindlessly repetitive movements, while the other cradled the back of her head. Sue was above average height, and Kent wasn’t broad. He never felt like an overwhelming presence to her. But as he held her, she felt like he could wrap her up and hide her in his pocket.

After a while, the worst passed. She snuffled, and he gave her more Kleenex to blow her nose and dry her face. She leaned back a little. Kent’s shirt was sticking to the sleeveless tee underneath and to his skin. When she looked at his face, she saw that his eyes were red.

‘I think your shirt may be ruined,’ she admitted.

Kent looked at his shirt. ‘You always disliked it.’

It wasn’t much of a joke, but Sue smiled anyway. ‘Then everything has worked out for the best.’

‘Indeed,’ Kent said, peeling the sodden silk away from his skin. ‘I suppose it’s the price I pay.’

‘It is.’ She blew her nose again. ‘I’m sorry. I’ll replace it.’

‘That would be an awkward thing to explain to Sean,’ Kent said.

Sue pulled a face. ‘He wouldn’t understand.’

‘Then it’ll be our secret,’ he said. He moved back to the visitor chair.

Sue slumped back against the pillows.

‘What did you argue with him about?’ Kent asked.

‘None of your business.’

Kent nodded. ‘It wasn’t that you were in a bad mood and picked a fight with him?’

She scowled at him. ‘I don’t do that.’

‘Yes. You do.’

Sue looked away. ‘I haven’t been out of this room in weeks. The entirety of my world is this room, Sean, my mother, and you. Sean already visits less he used to. As soon as your “lady friend” finds out about me she’ll stop you visiting.’

Kent touched her wrist. ‘That’s not going to happen.’

Sue shot him a look. ‘What woman would be happy with her boyfriend visiting his ex every day? I wouldn’t.’

‘But you’re jealous and possessive,’ Kent said mildly. ‘Julie’s not.’

‘You only think that because she doesn’t know.’

Kent sighed. ‘She does know. The night you had your accident, I was at her apartment. I came from there. I told her then. She knows I visit every day. She hasn’t once suggested I visit you less often.’

‘Then she’s pretending,’ Sue said. ‘Or she doesn’t love you.’

He rubbed his eye. ‘ln a very peculiar way you’re a romantic,’ he said.

‘Shut up.’

‘Julie’s a lovely girl,’ Kent said. ‘I like her a great deal, but she’s not in love with me, she’s not jealous of other women, and she’s not trying to stop me seeing you.’ He crossed his legs. ‘You don’t need to worry about that.’

‘Why are you wasting your time with her?’

He laughed in surprised disbelief. ‘Excuse me?’

‘Why are you wasting time with a woman who doesn’t appreciate you?’

‘She’s nice company and –’

Sue waved her hand. ‘You want a proper relationship. I know you. You’re wasting time and energy with her.’

‘What are you, my mother?’

‘Your... friend,’ Sue said. ‘As your friend, you should be dating a woman you have a future with.’

His expression slid into neutral. ‘If I ever find one then I’ll do that.’

Sue had dated regularly and widely. She hadn’t been single for more than a few weeks since she was a teenager. Men were a necessity, but not one she often enjoyed. She had dated a variety of men. Some of them she barely remembered. Sean had been easy and simple and reliable. Boring perhaps. He never challenged her or pushed her. At the time, she had simply assumed that he was happy enough with the status quo. She knew now that he made passive-aggressive comments, and sulked, and expected her to somehow divine what he was thinking. He could sulk for days, and when Sue refused to pander to him he threw temper tantrums. To think that she had imagined herself and Kent incompatible because they had actual open disagreements. Fights, sometimes, although never anything remotely physical. But they argued, and they made up. No sulking. No tantrums.

***

Kent brought Julie to visit. It wasn’t a surprise. He wouldn’t do that. He’d asked Sue’s permission. The unspoken reasoning was very clear: you can see that you have nothing to fear from her.

She just wasn’t sure which of them was the intended recipient. Julie was older than Sue, which made Sue feel better, but also blonde, bubbly, and cheerful. She was very affectionate with Kent, playing with his fingers, squeezing his arm. If Kent had been surprised or embarrassed, then Sue would have known that Julie was marking her territory. But Kent took it all in his stride, as if it were quite normal.

Kent introduced them. He hadn’t mentioned that Julie was deaf. He hadn’t told Sue very much about Julie at all. Did that mean anything? If he was serious about Julie then he’d talk about her, wouldn’t he?

Sue hadn’t told anyone about Kent. He had been a secret that she kept tight in her chest, its warmth and delicious disruptiveness sending out little waves of pleasure and guilt in equal measures. He was older, he was white, he wasn’t marriage material. Her family and friends wouldn’t approve. She wasn’t sure whether she was guiltier about wasting time with a man she had no future with or wasting Kent’s time in a relationship that couldn’t give him what he wanted or needed.

It was annoying that Kent had to pay so much attention to Julie but at least she was an intelligent and amusing conversationalist. She also had opinions on Kent’s colleagues, and former colleagues, that largely chimed with Sue’s own.

It was irritating. Sue wanted to dislike Julie, but she didn’t. Until she saw Kent glance at Julie. A quick look, when her attention was elsewhere. It was a look of sadness, of regret, and it made Sue’s stomach clench. It was a look that spoke of hopeless hope, of impossible wishes.

Then dislike hit Sue with such force that she had to look away.

***

Sue managed to stand up for less than thirty seconds before her shaking legs and aching muscles sent her crashing back onto the bed.

‘That was great,’ the physio said. ‘It won’t be long now.’

That was appalling,’ Sue said. ‘What do I need to do to improve?’

‘It’s one day at a time –’

‘I’m not an old person with a bad hip or a drunk who broke her leg,’ Sue said. ‘This is unacceptable. I need to get better. I refuse to spend months in this bed, in this room, in this hospital!’

The physio looked so pitying that Sue wanted to punch her.

‘Have you had a psych eval? Depression is very common.’

‘I don’t want pills, I want you to do your job –’

‘Whoa,’ Ben said. ‘Bad time? And if you’re handing out pills...’

‘Can you calm her down?’ the physio asked.

Ben shrugged. ‘First time for everything I guess. Can I help with this stuff?’

‘You?’ Sue asked sourly.

‘Yeah, me. I had at least one kid by caesarean. Well not me, obviously. But that’s a big operation you know. Recovery time and all that.’

‘Gentle movements,’ the physic said. ‘Don’t overstretch and don’t overexert.’

Sue ignored her. As Ben sat down, she slowly rolled onto her front and struggled to do a fraction of a push-up.

‘I can’t do those either,’ Ben said.

‘I used to do fifty,’ Sue said breathlessly.

‘When I had my first and… third heart attacks I was laid up for weeks,’ Ben said. ‘Lost all my muscle mass, all that shit. I’ve been where you are. Just a different cause.’

She looked at him. ‘Really?’

‘Yeah, it fucking sucks.’ He adjured his waistband. ‘But you’re looking good.’

‘I look like I’ve been in a car crash,’ she said.

He waved his hand up at his cheek. ‘Your face was all cut, and your arm was all fucked up. It was... Jesus, it was scary.’

‘You saw me?’ she asked.

He chuckled. ‘You’re POTUS’s scheduling secretary and you got creamed by a semi. It was all over the news. Some fucker took photographs.’ He shrugged. ‘You should see some of the conspiracy theories. You’re not being hunted by the CIA, are you?’

‘No.’ She supressed a moan of pain as her arms wobbled. She still hadn’t managed a push-up. ‘I don’t believe so.’

‘What were you doing driving around in the middle or the night anyway?’ Ben asked.

She shook her head. ‘I don’t remember.’ She dropped her forehead onto the pillow. ‘Why are you here?’

‘Just visiting,’ Ben said. ‘I figured you might be tired of Kent being your only contact with the big wide world.’

She looked at him suspiciously. ‘You’re here out of the goodness of your heart.’

‘That’s me. I’m all heart.’ He burped, and patted his chest. ‘Breakfast burrito.’

‘Good to know,’ Sue said. ‘It’s four in the afternoon.’

‘Came to give you the heads-up.’ He shifted uneasily in the chair.

Sue waited for several seconds. ‘About what?’

Ben squirmed. ‘Kent… oh, fuck, no nothing like that,’ he said quickly. ‘He and Julie broke up.’

Sue looked away. ‘Is he alright?’

‘Nah,’ Ben said. ‘Not as bad as when you dumped him though.’

Sue rolled onto her back. ‘I thought she liked him.’

Ben crossed his legs. ‘You know what it’s like. Kent can be hard work. He’s not easy to understand if you’re not exactly on his wavelength, whatever that is.’

‘Don’t blame him,’ Sue said. ‘He blames himself every time he breaks up with someone.’

Ben shrugged. ‘I’m not blaming him. I’m just saying, he’s an acquired taste. Julie’s a nice lady. But she’s a normal, you know. They’re not on the same level.’ He rubbed his nose. ‘Just be nice to him, okay? He’s feeling kinda sore and sorry for himself.’

Sue rolled her eyes. ‘I’m not the one who habitually taunts and abuses him.’

‘Yeah, but he doesn’t give a shit about what I say,’ Ben said, scratching his belly. ‘You’re different.’

Sue sat up with difficulty. A little less difficulty than the day before, and probably a little more difficult than it would be the day after.

‘That’s why you’re here?’ Sue asked.

‘That and I was bored,’ Ben said. ‘Hey, did Kent tell you we’re running a consultancy now?’

‘He did.’ Sue leaned back against the pillows. ‘How’s it going?’

Ben thought about it. ‘Better than we hoped. We’re looking to take on more staff. Wanna job?’

Sue raised an eyebrow.

‘Seriously,’ Ben said. ‘We’d be lucky to have you, and I bet you’re getting bored in the West Wing.’

‘That’s true. I am in hospital though. You may have noticed.’

Ben shrugged. ‘You’ll get better, and when you do come for an interview.’

‘I will,’ she said.

‘Can Joyce come visit?’ Ben asked. ‘She can be a little much, so I made her wait until I could ask you.’

Sue thought about it. ‘Yes. She can.’’

‘Great,’ Ben said. ‘It’s a good job that you’re married, or she’d be trying to fix you up. She’s always trying to fix Kent up.’

***

Sue asked a nurse to wash and dry her hair in the evening. She brushed it out carefully, covered it, and went to sleep. In the morning, she did her hair and put on her makeup. It took longer than it used to, but it was surprisingly pleasing in its way. She was mostly dressed, the wires got in the way, when Kent arrived. His hair was ruffled, and his beard needed to be trimmed. There was puffiness under his reddened eyes.

‘Morning,’ he said. ‘You look very smart. I like what you’ve done with your hair.’

‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘It needs to be straightened.’

He sat down beside her. ‘One of these days I’m going to give you a compliment, and you’re going to accept it without explaining I’m wrong in some manner.’

‘Keep dreaming.’

Kent smiled, and she saw how tired he was. ‘You’re in a better mood,’ he said.

‘I’m always in an excellent mood,’ she said. ‘You look terrible.’

‘Thank you very much.’

‘I am always honest,’ she said. ‘Some people appreciate it.’

Kent rubbed his eye. ‘I’ll take your word for it. I’ve always found it an overhyped virtue.’

Sue rolled her eyes. ‘Ben came to visit yesterday,’ she said.

Kent’s shoulders tensed. ‘I didn’t know that you and Ben were close.’

‘We’re not.’ She watched him carefully. ‘He offered me a job at your consultancy.’

Kent scowled. ‘We agreed that we wouldn’t discuss it with you until you were better.’

Sue leaned back against the pillows. ‘You did discuss it then? It wasn’t Ben acting off the cuff?’

Kent brushed lint from his trouser. ‘Certainly, we discussed it. It wasn’t a complex discussion, there were few cons, and none of us argued against it.’

‘That’s good to know,’ Sue said. ‘I’m gratified none of you are so lacking in judgement that you would vote against me.’

Kent nodded. ‘This is the Sue that we’ve all been missing.’

‘Shut up,’ she said. She adjusted her bedclothes. ‘Ben told me that I needed to be very gentle and kind with you.’

He looked down and clasped his hands together. ‘I see.’

‘We’ll talk about something else,’ she suggested.

‘Yes please.’

Sue winced, and shifted position. Kent gave her a look.

‘Are you in pain?’ he asked.

‘I think I might have an infection,’ she said. ‘It stings.’

Kent thought about it. ‘You can feel an infection?’

‘A urinary infection, yes,’ Sue said. ‘It’s extremely painful.’

Kent stood up. ‘I’ll fetch a nurse.’

‘Am I making you uncomfortable?’

‘No, I just don’t want you to be in pain.’

Sue groaned, and shifted in the bed as Kent took a step back. She moaned at a sharp pain, which stopped abruptly, and then there was a wet thump.

‘Oh,’ Kent said. ‘I’m confident that wasn’t supposed to happen.’ He grabbed a roll of tissue and knelt down.

Sue starred at the ceiling. ‘That’s the catheter bag, isn’t it?’

‘I imagine so. I’m not entirely familiar,’ he said from the floor.

Sue pressed the buzzer. ‘Don’t clean it up.’

‘It’s not a problem,’ Kent said.

‘It’s a problem for me,’ Sue said.

‘Okay.’ Kent stood up. He turned to the small sink as the nurse scooted over.

Sue looked over at him as he washed his hands. She wasn’t _as_ embarrassed as she would have anticipated. But she was extremely unhappy.

‘That was enormously painful,’ she snapped at the nurse.

‘I’ll see if you can use a bedpan instead,’ she said, walking away.

Kent looked at Sue and she avoided his eyes.

‘This might be difficult to believe, but I was aware that you expelled waste,’ Kent said drying his hands. ‘Shockingly, I have been led to believe that all people do.’

She tried to glare at him. ‘What have I said to make you think this is an appropriate topic of conversation?’

‘You asked if it was the catheter bag,’ Kent said helpfully. He sat down again. ‘Do you think you would consider working with us?’

She relaxed a fraction. ‘I would consider it,’ she said. ‘Do you have many staff?’

‘A half dozen, ‘Kent said. ‘Mostly research and some admin. As we grow we are going to need someone to keep us organised and keep clients in line.’

‘It could be a challenge,’ Sue said grudgingly. ‘Working for the president is not.’

Kent leaned closer. ‘Have you missed us?’

She looked at him. ‘Which part; the hysteria, the incompetence, the backbiting, or something else?’

‘I was thinking the astonishing intelligence and rugged good looks.’

Sue smiled despite herself. ‘Ah. No. Not that I’m aware of.’

He pressed his hand to his chest. ‘You hurt me deeply.’

‘Are you seeing someone else?’ Sue asked. ‘You’re not a person happy on your own.’

Kent pulled a face. ‘Why do people feel the urge to introduce me to women that they erroneously believe I will somehow connect with?’

‘Because you’re lonely,’ Sue said. ‘Some people are single and perfectly happy like that. Some people have a series of short and meaningless relationships, and they are happy like that. That’s why people don’t try to set up Amy or Dan.’

Kent tapped his foot. ‘She’s actually pregnant with Dan’s baby.’

Sue raised her eyebrows. ‘That is a whole topic for another conversation. You are a man who is significantly happier in a relationship, therefore people who care about you attempt to find you a romantic and sexual partner.’

‘I’m not lonely,’ he said quietly.

Sue waved her hand. ‘I prefer to have a partner. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. When I’m single, people offer to introduce me to suitable men. That’s nothing to be ashamed of either.’

Kent pursed his lips. ‘I suspect you are considered more successful romantically than I am.’

Sue flicked his hand with her finger. ‘You need to go on dates. I want to see you putting more effort into it.’

He rubbed his eyes. ‘I just broke up with Julie,’ he said quietly. ‘I’m really not feeling in the mood for dating.’

‘You need to get back on the horse.’

He stood up. ‘Why are you pushing me?’

‘I want you to be happy,’ she said stiffly.

Kent squeezed her hand. ‘I’m fine,’ he said. ‘Please don’t worry.’

‘I’m not worried. I’m just being sensible,’ she insisted.

***

They didn’t discuss it again for the rest of the week. He was more interested in helping her with her physiotherapy, and she was more interested in asking about the fine detail of his work. She was able to walk a few feet now without exhaustion. Her hair was annoyingly long, but her wounds were healing, and she was feeling much better.

‘They’re talking about discharging me next week,’ Sue said, watching his face.

‘You must be excited,’ he said, looking at her.

‘Yes,’ she said. Part of it was true. She wanted to go home now, never mind another week. But she’d been in hospital for weeks now and had grown used to the noise, light, and constant presence of other people. She was used to seeing Kent each morning.

‘Hey.’ He put his hand to her cheek. ‘You okay?’

She took a breath and straightened her back. ‘Of course.’

‘You a little anxious about going home?’

Sue gave him a look. ‘I do not get anxious.’

‘Sure.’ He chewed his lower lip. ‘When I was seventeen I wiped out on my motorbike.’

‘I didn’t know that.’

Kent scratched his scalp. ‘I don’t normally tell people. It tends to make people ladies uncomfortably about me riding, but since you don’t get anxious –’

Sue rolled her eyes. ‘Get on with it.’

‘I was in hospital for a few weeks,’ he said. ‘Coming back home was... stressful.’

Sue hesitated. ‘Yes.’

‘You’re young,’ Kent said. ‘You’re generally healthy. You’ll recover quickly.’

She nodded. ‘I know.’

Kent’s concerned expression didn’t change. ‘That’s not what’s worrying you.’

Sue leaned against the wall. ‘I’m not...’ She stopped and shook her head.

Kent hadn’t missed a single day of visits. He had seen wound dressings, catheter bags, and worse. He’d heard discussions about periods, leaking wounds, and overgrown hair. He hadn’t flinched or looked away once. He wouldn’t flinch at this.

‘Sue?’ he prompted.

‘My marriage is failing,’ she said. ‘I don’t want to go home and force Sean to pretend he’s not waiting for it to be over. He can barely bring himself to visit twice a week.’

Kent wasn’t surprised. That should have stung, but it didn’t.

‘What do you need first, emotional or practical support?’ he asked.

He wanted to touch her. She could tell from the way his hand jerked towards her. He wanted to, but he didn’t, because he wasn’t sure what she wanted.

‘I don’t know,’ she said softly.

He put his arms around her, and let herself lean against him.

‘It’s going to be okay,’ he promised.

‘You don’t know that,’ she said into his hair.

‘I’m going to make sure that it’s okay,’ he said. ‘We’ll get you whatever you need; a lawyer, a nurse, a huge attack dog...’

She smiled at that. ‘Thank you.’ She leaned back.

‘Do you have any kind of... arrangement?’

She nodded. ‘A pre-nup. All the assets are separate. The house is his, but my contributions are all itemised.’

‘That’s the Sue Wilson I know and love,’ he said, kissing her nose. ‘I have to fly, but if you like I can come back later and we can work exactly what you’re going to do.’

‘A plan of attack,’ she agreed.

The Sue Wilson I know and love. He said it so glibly. So casually. She watched him leave the ward as if nothing had changed. As is the word hadn’t exploded like a bomb. The first time he’d said it, they had been dating a few months. Not long enough. It would have been different if he had said it during sex, or after a few glasses of wine. Sue could have understood that. She could have forgiven that.

Instead they had been eating Chinese takeout. It wasn’t particularly romantic or memorable. They were just sat cross-legged on his sofa when, in the middle of a light-hearted debate, he said “it’s a good job that I love you.” His tone had been teasing, but he flicked a little glance her way. A nervous, assessing look, with a flush in his cheeks and a cautiously hopeful cast in his eyes. A look that said it wasn’t so much teasing as a tentative bit of bait cast on the water to see if she’d bite. That was then.

Now it was a joke. Something he threw out thoughtlessly. Something she wasn’t expected to really notice, let alone respond to.

Sue curled up in her bed, and pulled the covers over her head.

***

Before the accident, Sue rarely remembered her dreams. Even now she only remembered vague impressions and odd moments. It was an peculiar sensation to wake one morning, in clammy, sweat-dampened sheets, and remember the confused clash of images that she had dreamed.

_She was outside a hotel. She was in a car. Rain was a solid wall. Lights bounced around the car. She was outside a hotel. A semi-truck was barrelling towards her. Sirens were blaring._

_She was outside a hotel. Rain smeared across the windscreen. Her car skidded. A semi-truck was barrelling towards her._

_She was outside a hotel._

Sue’s breath was fast and fluttery. Her heart was thrumming in her chest.

‘Bad dream?’ asked a cleaner.

‘Apparently.’ Sue lay for a while. A bad dream. A bad memory? She shivered at the cooling sweat on her skin.

She was shuffling out of the shower when Sean arrived. He was on his cell. He shoved it in his pocket when he saw her.

‘Thought you did that first thing,’ he said.

‘I needed another.’

He didn’t sit down but kept shifting from foot to foot. He glanced around the ward, anywhere but at her.

‘What was I doing when I had my accident?’ Sue asked.

‘What?’

‘You weren’t in the car,’ she said. ‘It was late. I wasn’t anywhere near home.’

Sean was staring at her now. ‘Are we going to play this game?’

Sue pushed herself onto the bed. ‘Was there a hotel?’

‘You know there was. You were barely two blocks away,’ he spat.

‘I don’t remember,’ she said. ‘Not properly.’

‘Well you didn’t speak to me,’ he said. ‘I guess you followed me.’ He shrugged. ‘I thought I was being discreet.’

She licked her lips. ‘You were the hotel with a woman?’

‘Yes.’

‘Who?’

Another shrug. ‘It doesn’t matter. I don’t want to get her mixed up in this.’

Sue gritted her teeth. ‘It matters to me.’

Sean gave her a sour look. ‘Don’t play the injured party.’

‘I am, in _every_ way.’

He pushed his fingers through his hair. ‘You didn’t ask for me. Do you remember that? You asked for him. In the car. Here in the hospital. You asked for him, not me. Don’t pretend you were faithful.’

‘I was,’ she growled.

Sean crossed his arms. ‘You want a divorce?’

‘Yes.’

‘Fine.’ He started to walk away. ‘But don’t forget who’s been here for you. He came once, I’ve been here every week.’

‘You come two or three times a week,’ she retorted.

She didn’t say that Kent came every day. She wasn’t going to give Sean the pleasure of believing that she had an affair. He wasn’t going to let him drag her down to his level.

‘I’m keeping the house,’ Sean said.

‘You’re throwing your badly injured wife, who you cheated on, out on the street?’ Sue asked. ‘The board will love to hear that.’

He was quiet for a moment, his eyes bugging out. ‘Shit.’

‘You can have a couple of days to clear out your things,’ she said.

He spun around and stamped away.

***

‘I’m sorry,’ Kent said.

‘Don’t be,’ Sue said. ‘This is better. It wasn’t working. It’s better to finish it now than drag things out.’

‘Do you want to stay with me?’ Kent asked.

Sue clenched her hands together. ‘I can hire a nurse.’

‘Good,’ he said. ‘I’m not offering to change your bed pan.’

She narrowed her eyes. ‘You know I can use the bathroom now.’

‘I also know that you’re a little wobbly on your feet and you’re not used to being alone. You might be more comfortable with someone else around.’

She looked at him. ‘Picking me up if I fall down?’

‘I’d have to,’ he said. ‘Otherwise I might trip over you.’

‘Don’t be smart,’ she said, trying not to smile.

‘I can’t help it. I was born this way.’

***

Sue closed her eyes, and concentrated on the breeze that touched her face. There was a hint of rain in the air. As if it were gathering its strength. She could smell the dying leaves and the distant scent of wood fires.

Kent began to push the chair. Sue felt it rattle against the ground, but she didn’t mind. Being out of the hospital felt like waking up. Even the sound of the cars was welcome.

‘Sue?’

She opened her eyes as the wheelchair came to a halt. Kent looked at her with open concern.

‘You okay?’

‘Yes.’

He opened the car door. ‘I was worried I might have jolted you.’

She gave him a look. ‘I would have said.’

That made him smile. ‘You would.’

He’d had the car cleaned. She could smell the remnants of the shampoo and polish. It was also spotlessly tidy. Kent had many virtues, more than she would admit to him, but tidiness was not one of them. He would line up his books with a ruler, while paper and stationery were six inches deep on his desk. She had been in his car before, and this was the only time there hadn’t been empty water bottles and bits of clothing cluttering the back seat.

Sue sat down, and he helped her, swinging her legs around. His fingertips brushed her calf. He didn’t seem to notice. He would’ve done, once. Once upon a time he had been so awkwardly self-cousins around her that he seemed painfully aware if he even breathed in her direction. She didn’t want that now. That would be unbearable if it lasted more than a few weeks. It would be exhausting. Yet there had to be an alternative to it other than complete disinterest. It should be a spectrum not a binary.

Kent started the engine. ‘Do you want to go home first?’

Ugh. ‘I don’t want to, but I should,’ she said. ‘There are things I’ll need.’

He drummed his thumbs on the wheel. It meant he was assessing something. ‘Perhaps you could text Sean. He might choose to remove himself temporarily from the house.’

‘Unfortunately, Sean doesn’t text.’

Kent frowned. ‘What do you mean?’

‘Precisely that. He uses his cell for phone calls. Nothing more. It’s extremely annoying.’

‘Is he aware that he’s living in the twenty-first century?’

Sue pursed her lips. ‘He thinks that people should “put down their phones and talk.” to each other.’

Kent shook his head. ‘The man is a monster.’

Sue watched him driving. He was a careful driver generally, but he had a more relaxed approach to the speed limit. Perhaps she should have been more surprised, but Kent was not a stranger to quiet rebellions. She knew he had briefed against Hughes twice. He’d never admit it, but she knew. Just as she knew his motorcycle club had the occasional run ins with the law. Nothing serious. No prostitution rings, meth dealing, or murder for hire. But they had their little sins and Kent knew it. Perhaps he was even a part of it.

Sue knew that there had been plenty of times that the Meyer administration had fallen off the edge of “legal but immoral and unethical” into “outright illegal.” Kent was smart enough not to have his finger prints on them, but he was aware. He was complicit, even as he presented the air of being stuffy and goody-two-shoes.

‘What?’ he asked.

‘I didn’t say anything.’

‘If you had I wouldn’t be asking. You’re staring at me.’

Sue smiled slightly. ‘No, I’m not.’

He gave her an exaggerated dirty look, that made her smile widen slightly.

‘Stop it,’ he said.

‘Or what?’

He thought about it. ‘Or I’ll put the wine on a tall shelf where you can’t reach.’

Sue gasped. ‘You monster.’

Kent waggled his eyebrows.

As he returned his attention to the road. Sue straightened her blouse.

‘How’s your mother?’ she asked.

‘Good, thank you. She had some issues with one of the ladies in her crafting groups, but I believe that’s mostly been resolved.’ The corner of his mouth twisted up a little. ‘They have quite intense dramas. Crochet hooks at dawn would not be beyond the bounds of plausibility.’

‘My mother’s church is a hot bed of drama and scandal,’ Sue said. ‘It’s the only reason that she attends.’

‘That doesn’t sound very Christian.’

‘The reason is immaterial, except as a thin veneer of excuse to harangue other people. You should hear her talk about the pastor’s wife.’

Kent chuckled. ‘Let me see, is she a hussy? I’m trying to think of the vernacular for her age. Floozy?’

‘Whore or slut,’ Sue said.

‘Good lord.’

‘Although my mother has more of an issue with her being unintelligent and pathetic. My mother does not approve of vulnerability or weakness of any sort.’

Kent parked the car. ‘That sounds like a harsh childhood,’ he said.

Sue considered it. ‘My mother had a harsh life. She wanted us to be prepared for the same.’

‘I understand the reasoning,’ Kent said. ‘I appreciate the pragmatism. Nonetheless, I can still feel sympathy for you not being allowed to entertain less... robust behaviour.’

Sue raised an eyebrow. ‘Do you mean more feminine behaviour?’

He looked genuinely shocked. ‘I do not.’

She nodded. ‘I never thought you conflated weakness with femininity.’

‘You’re very feminine,’ he said. ‘So is Selina Meyer, or Beyoncé, or Cate Blanchett. You’re all also very strong. There’s no correlation between the two properties.’

‘Not Amy?’ Sue asked. ‘You don’t think she’s strong?’

Kent hesitated. ‘A little... neurotic,’ he suggested.

‘Yes,’ Sue agreed. ‘Her dependence on Selina cannot be healthy.’

Kent was opening his car door. ‘It’s peculiar since she seems to have a relatively standard relationship with her mother.’

He was out of the car before Sue could query further. He walked to the trunk, took out her walker, unfolded it, and opened her car door.

Walking was both agonising and agonisingly slow. Kent tucked his hands in his pockets as he walked alongside her. She knew that he could have picked her up and carried her. Easily, in fact. He had once carried her all the way from his living room to his bedroom. He didn’t offer now. She would have said no. She would have been offended. She wasn’t a child, and she needed to do this. She needed to build up her strength and stamina. But he could’ve asked.

He touched her elbow. ‘Okay?’

‘Ecstatic,’ she growled.

They eventually reached the door and Kent took her key from her pocket. Sue bit her lower lip as he opened the door. It had been weeks since she was here, since she was in her own space, her own home.

Kent helped her over the step. She pushed open the living room door, and stopped.

‘Oh, shit, ‘Candi said. ‘Sean said...’

‘You said a few days,’ Sean said. He was holding an ugly chest that his mother had given them as a wedding present.

Candi was holding a vase.

‘I need clothes, Sean,’ Sue sneered. ‘Toiletries. If you had any sense you’d have realised that.’

Candi edged towards the door. ‘I’m just going to... hey!’

Kent had deftly relieved her of the vase.

Sue skewered her with a glare. ‘Does your fiancé Gary know you’re here?’

Candi went pale. ‘There’s no need to get nasty!’

‘You brought him!’ Sean said, gesturing at Kent.

‘He brought me, because he’s my friend and my faithless husband abandoned me,’ Sue growled.

‘Chief of staff cheating on husband with colleague’s husband,’ Kent said mildly. ‘That won’t play well with POTUS’s religious base.’

‘And they always blame the woman,’ Sue said.

She thought that Candi had been pale before. Now she looked like parchment.

‘Sue –’

‘Go away,’ Sue said.

‘But...’

‘She’ll call you,’ Kent said, taking Candi’s arm. He glanced at Sue, who nodded, and escorted Candi out of the house.

‘Leave Candi out of it,’ Sean said.

She wouldn’t leave Gary, an up and coming political player, for a lowly resident like Sean. She’d proved that by running away instead of standing her ground. But Sean, sulky, tantrum-throwing Sean, clearly didn’t realise that.

‘Why should I?’ Sue asked. ‘Adultery under our pre-nup…’

‘Keep the fucking house,’ Sean said. ‘I’ll sign it over to you. Just let me have my half of the money.’

‘I want it in writing,’ she said. ‘Now.’

Sean shook his head. ‘You’re a cold bitch.’

‘And proud of it.’

***

She was on the couch when Kent came back in the room. He put the vase down.

‘I can’t get back up,’ Sue admitted. ‘It’s too low.’

Kent scratched his forehead. ‘Do you want to get up?’

She raised an eyebrow. ‘I can’t spend my life on this couch.’

‘Do you want to spend it in this house? I mean, if you’d rather stay here than at my place we can do that.’

Sue waggled her toes. ‘By myself?’

‘I can stay until you have a routine,’ he suggested. ‘Then come along a couple of times a day to make sure you have everything you need and do anything you need.’

Sue gave it some thought. ‘Okay.’

He put his hand on his hip. ‘You’re not going to make a token gesture by telling me I don’t have or that you don’t want to put me out?’

Sue looked at him. ‘I don’t make token gestures. I don’t believe you do either. You offered so I assume you are willing to do it.’

‘I am, he said.

‘Good.’ Even with his help, it took her almost ninety seconds to climb to her feet. She leaned forward to kiss his cheek. ‘Thank you.’

He hadn’t looked at her that way in... months, probably more. He used to look at her that way all the time. He reddened, and took a step back, but she saw him glance at her mouth.

***

‘This is wildly arousing,’ Kent said.

‘Don’t make me hit you with this sponge,’ Sue said. She leaned forward in the shower chair so that Kent could wash her back. She knew why he’d said it of course. She could hear the awkwardness in his voice, and felt his hands shaking as he rubbed her back. He wasn’t precisely prudish, but he was extremely aware of other peoples’ privacy. Much more than his own privacy. Kent was the kind of person who would walk around naked without a thought, but politely look away from an accidentally open blouse button. He couldn’t look away from Sue’s bare back, and he knew that she was not comfortable with her body at the moment, so he attempted to diffuse the tension by poking fun of it.

It had been several years since he had seen her naked and she was bitterly conscious of lost muscle tone and poor maintenance. It was made worse by the fact that Kent was assiduous in keeping himself fit.

‘Okay, you can sit up,’ Kent said. ‘Do you want me to wash your hair as well?’

She looked at him. ‘It’s complex. There are a number of steps.’

He nodded. ‘You once gave me a lecture about it.’

‘I’m sure it wasn’t a lecture.’

‘I’m certain it was.’ He dried her back. ‘Not that it wasn’t informative, and I definitely reconsidered ever complaining to you about my hair cut ever again.’

She could have apologised. She didn’t. ‘I like your hair.’

That made him smile. ‘Oh, yeah?’

‘Yes.’

He looked so pleased, and so surprised, that she wondered why more people, more women hadn’t complimented him. He was obviously unused to it.

He looked away politely while she dressed, and then draped a towel around her shoulders.

‘My hair needs relaxing,’ Sue said.

‘Uh...’

‘I wouldn’t ask you to.’

He ran his hand through his hair. ‘You mentioned it being extremely painful. I’m not at all comfortable causing you pain.’

‘Even if I ask you to?’

He shrugged. ‘I don’t think it’s something I could do.’

‘There’s wild sex off the menu,’ Sue said.

He smiled. ‘If there was ever any whips or chains involved I think we both know who would be the one chained up and being whipped.’

‘Now you’ll never know for sure.’

***

The house was silent. Sue wasn’t one for a lot of noise and a press of people. She was quite happy with quiet. Nonetheless, after months of the constantly bustle of the ward, machinery sounds, people talking and moving, her home seemed deafening quiet.

Kent had gone to work. He was confident that he would be able to do much of his work from the house, but he had a meeting, and besides there were things he needed to pick up. If she was honest, Sue also suspected that he needed a break from her. He lived on his own. It was quite a change living with someone else, let alone someone whom you are being asked to care for. Sue knew she couldn’t do it. When the day came that her mother could not care for herself, she would receive the best care from other people that money could buy, and they both knew that was the best choice.

It was a matter of time before Kent lost patience. A matter of time before he either bowed out graciously, or they had a huge argument and he stormed out.

Sue closed her eyes tightly, and tried to think about something else.

***

Sue woke up on the sofa with a blanket tucked around her. She could hear a burble of the television, and the clinking of dishes in the kitchen. She sat up slowly, moaning at stabbing pains in her legs. She pulled the blanket around her shoulders. Her tray of meds had been pushed aside, just out of her reach. Shit.

‘Kent?’ she called.

He probably couldn’t hear her over the television and whatever he was doing.

‘Kent!’ She strained for the tray. Her finger-tips scrabbled for the edge, she almost got a grip, and then... then it began to tip.

‘Whoa!’ Kent dived forward and caught the tray as it began to fall. ‘I was coming.’

‘I thought you didn’t hear me,’ she said. ‘I’m in pain. I need my meds.’

He frowned. ‘There’s no need to be so aggressive.’

‘I’m in pain and... and...’

Kent sat beside her and tentatively put his arm across her back. ‘It’s okay.’

‘It’s not.’

‘You’re going to be fine,’ he promised. ‘We’ll get you through this.’

Sue snuffled. ‘Can I have my meds?’

‘Sure.’

She felt him watching as she dry-swallowed her painkillers and then struggled to take the cap off the disposable syringe.

‘Can you?’

He looked distastefully at the syringe but easily pulled off the cap.

‘It’s just a needle,’ she said.

‘I don’t like needles very much,’ he admitted.

‘Don’t be a baby,’ she said pulling up her shirt.

‘You’re injecting that right now?’

She rolled her eyes. ‘Do you want me to get a DVT?’

Kent shifted in his seat. ‘It’s not a particular ambition.’ He winced as she pushed the plunger in. ‘Does it hurt?’

‘Not very much,’ she said. ‘One of the nurses hurt me each time she did it.’

‘You’re very brave,’ he said quietly.

She looked at him in surprise. ‘I assumed you thought me very weak and cowardly. Complaining constantly and always irritable.’

He took her hand in his. ‘Being irritable is part of your charm,’ he said.

‘And the rest?’

He was looking at her face, but his eyes kept slipping down to her mouth.

‘You know I don’t think that you’re weak or cowardly,’ he said. He smiled slightly. ‘You’re just asking to hear it.’

Sue shrugged. ‘If I wasn’t covered in bruises and looking like hell, you would have kissed me.’

Kent sat back. ‘You’re a married woman –’

‘I’m getting a divorce.’

‘– and you’ve been through a host of traumatic events,’ he said. He licked his lips. ‘Sue, you’re one of the strongest people I know...’

She stiffened her back. ‘But?’

Kent squeezed her hand. ‘You’ve been through so much, physically and emotionally. I... I would very much like to kiss you, however doing so when you’re emotionally vulnerable would be wrong. I don’t want to take advantage of you.’

‘Don’t flatter yourself,’ she said, shifting away.

‘Okay,’ he said softly.

‘You couldn’t take an advantage of me if you tried,’ she said huddling inside the blanket.

Kent sighed. ‘It’s not an insult,’ he said.

‘Of course not. You just want to pretend you have a noble reason for rejecting me.’

Kent was on his feet. ‘That’s not fair.’

‘Whatever.’

‘Excuse me?’ He shook his head. ‘You do not get to “whatever” this. I am sorry that I bruised your ego and injured your feelings. It was entirely accidental, and I had no desire to do it. Nonetheless, you don’t have the right to imply that I’m lying to you in an effort to pretend to be “noble,” whatever that means.’

He was expecting her to argue back, to give as good as he dished out. She knew that. He wasn’t trying to bully or push her around. He just expected her to be herself.

Sue lay down on the couch, and pulled the blanket over her head.

***

‘You look good,’ Joyce said.

‘For someone whose car was obliterated by a semi?’ Sue asked.

‘For someone having her hair and makeup done by a man,’ Joyce said with a grin.

‘I did my makeup,’ Sue said. ‘Kent did my hair.’

Joyce sat down in the guest chair. ‘I asked Ben to help with my hair once. Never again!’

‘Men have no idea about these things,’ Sue said.’ Kent tries though.’

Joyce nodded. ‘He was so worried when you were at the hospital.’ She sipped her coffee. ‘So tired visiting you every day.’

Sue pursed her lips. ‘I didn’t ask him to do that.’

‘I know.’ Joyce looked at her over her cup. ‘Did you ask him not to?’

‘He was frequently my only visitor,’ Sue protested.

‘He’s a grown man,’ Joyce said. ‘He makes his own choices.’

Sue pulled a face.

‘He split up with Julie,’ Joyce said. ‘You’re divorcing Sean...’ she smiled sweetly.

Sue clasped her hands together. ‘Are you trying to matchmake?’

‘Kent’s been working so hard. He sees a therapist.’

Sue forced down her nausea. ‘What did he tell you?’

Joyce patted her hand. She pushed back her hair. ‘When you dumped Kent, he was very upset. He talked to me. I’m easy to talk too.’

Sue pulled back her hand. ‘He was upset.’

Joyce took another sip of coffee. To Sue, it took much too long.

‘You told him that he was a human sponge sucking up all your time and attention. You said that he was too much. You didn’t want to date someone who wanted to be around you all the time. You said he was desperate and obsessive and creepy.’

Sue’s mouth dropped open. ‘I... I don’t recall saying that.’

‘You left it on a voice mail,’ Joyce said. ‘I heard it.’

Sue buried her face in her hands.

‘Do you want some water?’

‘Yes, please.’

She sort-of remembered the message. She’d been drunk, and angry that after all his intensity and passion he could go to work and treat her like just another co-worker. She felt tricked. Misled.

So, she had leaned into the image she felt he had falsely presented: twisting his genuine desire for companionship into desperation, and his attentiveness into obsession.

Sue drank most of the water before looking at Joyce. ‘How long have you been waiting to slap me with that?’

‘Since you said it,’ Joyce admitted. ‘It was horrible and cruel.’

Sue sat back. ‘I wasn’t happy with the way he handled our breakup. That’s no excuse for saying that to him.’

‘No, it’s not,’ Joyce said. ‘Ben hopes you get back together. He says you’re a good match. Kent still loves you. All that. Me, I say maybe you hurt Kent badly and maybe you don’t deserve him. Just because he’s not Mr Charming doesn’t mean he has to take just anything he can get.’

‘No,’ Sue said. ‘He doesn’t. But he is charming,’ Sue said. ‘It’s just subtle. Kent is always restrained, and always low-key in his expression of his feelings, except when we were dating. It’s not an excuse, but it made me... uncomfortable that he was in love so quickly and so much.’

Joyce sighed. ‘Some people are like that.’ She snapped her fingers. ‘Boom! You never feel like that?’

‘Of course,’ Sue tiredly. ‘Why else would it make me so nervous that Kent felt the same?’

Joyce groaned. ‘Ben likes you, Sue, so I try to like you to, but holy crap. You are an idiot.’

***

Kent was whistling when he came home. Sue limped out of her bedroom when she heard him enter the house.

‘Hello?’ she called.

‘Good evening,’ he called back. ‘Let me just put the dinner on.’

Okay, he was going to be in the kitchen for a few minutes. Good. Sue knew it was going to take her at least three minutes to make her way down the stairs.

He’d had a good day, that was obvious from the whistling are general cheerful tone of voice. The meeting must have gone well. She had spent the last few evenings helping him polish his “pitch,” perfecting the wording and practising his presentation. Kent was not a natural public speaker, but he was willing to take constructive criticism and correct his approach. He was nothing if not committed to his goals.

Sue walked into the kitchen. Kent was pitting the pre-prepared lasagne into the oven to cook. His tie was loose, and his shirt was untucked. Sue wanted to run her fingers through his hair, but it looked like someone had already done it.

Her stomach clenched. She tried to ignore it.

‘It went well then?’ she asked.

‘It did,’ he said turning to face her. ‘Oh.’ He straightened his tie. ‘You look particularly lovely. I’m sorry, have I forgotten an occasion?’

No,’ she said. ‘You’ve been working very hard and I thought you’d like to celebrate your meeting. Additionally... Additionally I wanted to express my appreciation for everything you’ve done for me.’

He smiled, a little surprised. ‘I appreciate your appreciation. I would have been here an hour ago, but my sister is in town. I’m afraid I’ve been rough-housing with her boys,’ he said, smoothing down his hair.

Sue leaned back against the counter. ‘Oh.’

He gave her an odd look. ‘What did you think I’d been doing?’

She shrugged. ‘Whistling, good mood, ruffled hair, and rumpled hair. I thought perhaps you’d gotten lucky.’

Kent laughed, and turned to pour them both a drink. ‘I just picked up some random woman for sex?’

‘People do,’ Sue said quietly.

Kent turned back to her, his expression serious. ‘I don’t. Especially not when...’ He licked his lips. ‘The other day you said that if you weren’t injured then I would kiss you. I rather took that... I took that to mean you would be amenable to me kissing you.’

‘I would,’ she said. ‘But you didn’t.’

Kent stepped towards her. ‘That was... I thought we were postponing that. Holding the thought until you’re better. This really doesn’t seem like a good –’

Sue kissed him. She slid her fingers into his hair and felt the warmth of him rising. ‘Okay,’ she said, resting her forehead against his shoulder. ‘As long as we both know where we stand.’

‘But you just kissed me,’ Kent said weakly.

‘I needed to get it out of my system,’ she said. ‘Feel free to carry on not taking advantage of my weakened and vulnerable state.’

Kent narrowed his eyes. ‘I will.’

‘Good.’

He shifted position. ‘But first I need to go upstairs and... do a thing.’

Sue smiled. ‘You’re not getting kissed enough. I’ll have to remedy that.’

The End.

 

 


End file.
